Friday, August 31, 2007

Fire

No smoke without you, my fire.
After you left,
your cigarette glowed on in my ashtray
and sent up a long thread of such quiet grey
I smiled to wonder who would believe its signal
of so much love. One cigarette
in the non-smoker's tray.
As the last spire
trembles up, a sudden draught
blows it winding into my face.
Is it smell, is it taste?
You are here again, and I am drunk on your tobacco lips.
Out with the light.
Let the smoke lie back in the dark.
Till I hear the very ash
sigh down among the flowers of brass
I'll breathe, and long past midnight, your last kiss.

by Edwin Morgan

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The New Orkut ???

Just as I was done throwing sh*t in the face of Orkut it has rekindled my desire to beat the hell out of people responsible for the latest disaster they have managed to accomplish. People call it a new Theme, a new kinda Look, a Wow inspiring change! I call it shit ... take a look.


Now I am a big preacher in favor of change, but there are certain basic problems with this new design. Hi orkut! Certain things I hate about you are ...

1. If the image captions are too long, so long sucker! They wont show completely.
2. The color scheme looks as if someone took a crystal clear dump over the old theme.
3. The new font colors are not even 10% as good as the old one.
4. The text doesnt look as good as the old style.
5. The buttons look as if designed by an infant, could'nt google come up with better sleeker and retro button designs.
6. The black and white images, which used to look Very Cool on the old design, now look like portraits of grannies sick and tired of knitting.
7. The colors in the colored snaps look duller and shittier due to the super bright (halogen) backgound color (Tide wala white). I mean it has been a sincere effort to blind us into believing that change is good. I say FcK oFF ... wake up, all colors are washed out.
8. Now whats up with the curvy edges of all on-screen elements, I think the developers tried to make it baby-safe, with no sharp edges.
9. I hate bubbles ... and everything here looks like I'm looking at the old orkut through a semi gelatinous bubble.
10. The new look 'per-se' makes me feel as if it has been designed because all the orkut users were dumb and did'nt know what they were doing. Assholes!
11. Orkut was most definitely totally jealous of the way Facebook looks. So the super brainy geeks at google sat down and thought of how to counter that jealousy. Suddenly the brainiest of them all stood up and screamed, Lets rip off their design, make a few changes and launch a new orkut! Everyone clapped.
12. Another one spoke, But wouldn't it be too obvious that we are jealous of Facebook? How about adding a new feature, suppose, we add the 'ScrapBook' button on the top of the page again ...; Everyone clapped again.
13. And ... Another geek spoke, Yeah! and to cover it all up we'll over publicise the Scrapbook button on the top of the page so that no one notices the changes we've made in design. We can pass this junk off as not just a theme change, but a functional overhaul. Clapping followed.
14. Then some f*ck-bag suggest the worst of it all, We can slide in the new design to the users slowly, group by group. Everyone nodded. Their plan was to make us feel that "Google is God, when Google decides and starts doing something, it is inevitable. We will have to wait for the inevitable to fall on our heads flat."
15. Everything is smaller.
16. It all looks like a chubby high school chick who is high on marijuana and has a lot of make-up on.
17. What is this Add Photo crap in the scrapbooks anyways? Who needs it? Couldnt you have added a better functionality? Like 'delete all scraps'. Or maybe a new button 'Delete my Profile' on the top of the page.
18. There is only one good point with this design; you can edit your photo album more easily now (hint: upload photo section on top); but the new design is so sucky that I dont even wanna login anymore.
19. Fonts have been made bigger, but the place-holders for the same text has been made smaller. And why does every box look like a shady grey calamity? Moronic.
20. I thought they would give us a 'Theme Selector' functionality. Suckers! Think of how cool that would be, users choosing their own themes (like blog templates).

But thats all just my own opinion, just cos' I'm sick of people asking me, Did you see the new Orkut? Wow! Aint it great!. NO! ITS NOT GREAT. I HATE IT. I'LL DELETE MY ACCOUNT AND EVERYONE WILL THEN CRY THEIR EYES OUT. Yeah Right!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Orkut ???

This hole is as deep as holes can get. This site was started with good intentions I'm sure. It still serves the purpose of 'connecting people' like no other portal. Its definitely the most famous and the most used portal in the world (citation needed). It was taken over by Google at a point in its lifetime, and has been buzzing and improving from then on ... but don't take the word 'improvement' here in the social sense, its just the technical aspect I'm talking about. The looks, the features, the functionality have improved over the time, no doubts, but ... that is not what I'm gonna write about here today.

What do we find in all public forums? We find people. All kinds of people. Now thats also not what I'm gonna write about. I'm gonna write about a certain type of people found on Orkut (or in general any public forum) and will step by step try and describe their sub types. So welcome to Orkut.

So if you are a girl reading this post, you will probably relate with it much faster. If you are a guy reading it, no issues, you'll understand eventually.

See being on Orkut for so long (almost a veteran now) I have noticed that there has been a certain segment of people (profiles) who (which) are on a continuous hunt for Girls on Orkut day in and day out. Their motives may be anything, from the depths of perverseness to the heights of innocence. They might just want to add you to their list of Online Friends to make it look cool, or they just might want to hunt you down and sleep with you. This post is not about the motive, its just about the type. And this post is not just about Orkut (mostly), its about most of the internet portals with similar functionality. This post intends to mock such profiles just for the heck of it, and, for their sheer profanity or 'The Ocean of Dumb' they swim in. The basic types of profiles of Hunters include the following ...

Type 1 : Ass Wipes
Such are the kinds whose profiles scream out loud, See, I'm totally interested in sex and sexual topics. Kindly refrain from normal conversations. I might get offended. And yeah, I don't have balls to make a normal profile and I am an ugly looking retard in real life. They usually have a display picture of highly explicit sexual nature. Flashing genitals and/or display of breasts being the most common. If you notice closely they have all kinds of Ugly communities added to their already messed up shit they claim to call a profile (Yeah Right!). Mostly their scraps to the real world would be sexual in nature, so no prizes for guessing that. The best part is their scrapbooks. You notice there normal people (guys) who are so downright dumb that only a slight glimpse of a display picture of revealing nature is enough for them to scrap back saying Will you be my friend? I mean what has gone wrong with the 90% guy population of this country. I mean GUYS! THOSE ARE NOT REAL GIRLS! Are you so dumb that you cant tell a fake profile from a normal one. Such desperate fucks need to be shot dead, literally.

Type 2: The Punk Faggot
This one is very very tricky. Usually has a very Punk display picture of a very very good looking and well dressed male. Mostly picked up from anime circles or fashion websites. Some of these fuck-ups also choose to put up pictures about darkness, death and paranoid looking shyte. This is a common practice amongst the non-Hunters and hence makes detecting a hunter very very difficult. They scrap (target) girls from metropolitan cities only. Period. They act mushy, they act girly, they act emotional. Lines like Dont listen to what random people say about me ... I'm a nice guy! Yeah right asshole, if you are so nice why are you justifying your bowels to eternity. Detecting this one is very easy if you know what you're looking for. They have huge number of good looking(mostly fake) girls on their list, a lot of foreigners and a plethora of just 'copy-paste' scraps. They are it. Their testimonials cry out loud, I'm the one who believes in fairies. Go drown yourself you faggot! These fucks really irritate me when they actually 'are' hunters and they write English as if they have a smoldering hot lead pipe in their asses. I hp U fKs doN MnD m3 moCK!nG yoo!

Type 3: The Mushy Pigs
Their sole aim in life is to get a girl sentimental. They might not have the weight to chase you down and date you. They just want to play mind-games and later tell tales of their internet valor over coffee. They usually have a display picture depicting a flying bird, a burning candle, drops falling into water, crying portraits. These kinds are harmless but are irritating to the core. Their approach is totally cliche and these are the ones with lines like ... Hey! I really like your profile, can we be friends? I wanna know more about you, etc. Now they pretend to be really really good friends. They paste (s)craps of how important friendship is and all. Just ignore. Do not bother about them. The only fuck up is that mostly all regular 'not-so-smart' girls (sorry) end up chatting with these guys and crying on their pillows at night cos' He did not come online today! Have I done something wrong? So I suggest, anyone without a DP = IGNORE! Notice how these guys try and act personal and interested and overtly friendly.

Type 4: The Regular Lets Try
These are the folks who are actually capable of having a life outside Orkut. Just that in their free time they keep scrapping here and there trying their luck. They usually reside in the smaller towns. So they just harmlessly send out friend requests. Once they are ignored by a girl, they don't mind. But boy do they aim high! These guys put up their washed out pictures (mostly original) and are completely harmless. Their only fault can be that they are not your type. They usually make friends on the internet from their own small towns and are happy fooling around with friends. My 10 cents on - Completely Harmless. They are NOT hunters, but they are not NON-HUNTERS either. Phew! This is the transition kind. Hardest to explain. Some of the non-hunters also indulge in such kind of things for the sake of Time Pass. So this category actually doesn't belong here; but still its here. It has no permanent membership. The only effect they have is just the one extra click you have to do on NO / DELETE / IGNORE. And yeah, I forgot, these are the ones with all the FRANDSHEEP requests.

So that broadly categorizes most of the Hunters. As for the NON-HUNTERS. Lemme give you a few pointers as to how to detect them. They show sparks of wit, humor, attitude, smarts, etc when in conversations. They are truly there to talk to their friends and friends alone.

Now there are a few other categories also, but I'm tired. Will try to elaborate later. And yeah, I know this one sounds a bit on the lines of maddox but I have an explanation for that too. Just like we all ride cycles just the way Lance Armstrong does (doesn't mean we have been inspired by him), there was no other way to mock fuckers other than that of Maddox.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Max Payne : That Old Familiar Feeling


I am Max Payne. My Wife and Daughter were murdered. It had something to do with the designer drug 'V'. I transferred from the NYPD to the DEA, went undercover to find their killers. I got too close. I was framed for murder. With nothing to lose, I went after the Mafia during the worst winter storm in a century.

I can recall myself thinking - Firing a gun is a binary choice. You either pull the trigger or you don't. As surely as the bullet rips through the victim's flesh, organ and bone, it shatters the image of the man who presses the trigger. Einstein was right. Time is relative to the observer. When you're looking down the barrel of a gun, time slows down, your whole life flashes by, heartbreak and scars. Stay with it, and you can live a lifetime in that split second.

I trusted her like a blind man. Everyone that denied that trust became an enemy within my wreck of a mind. "It's up ahead, see you there." I pointed to the panic room door. Alfred Woden was behind that door. Revenge had made my senses numb. The blood I had spilled along the way had made my hands rusty. Woden was the only cure to the disease I had cultivated. Seeing Woden die was my only desire.

"Dead end. Damn it!" I tried the door out of the main hall.

I had met Mona Sax in a gothic nightclub, Ragnarock. She was a hired killer. We were after the same man, her sister's sadistic husband. I was drawn to her for all the wrong reasons. "Here, let me." She briskly moved around the room and revealed a secret passage. She crawled inside and to disappear in the mist of elegance she had left behind. Mona knew a secret way to open the door. She knew. I heard her faint voice, "This way".

Mona knew the manor. She was working for Woden. Vlad had told me the truth. I had not believed him when I should have. "Mona, wait. Stop!" I cried out in her direction and followed her inside the secret passageway she had opened. It was dark. It was misty. It smelled of deceit. This is love, I thought to myself.

Whack! Something heavy landed on my head from behind. It felt like a hundred explosions inside my head. It was only moments before I felt a cold trickle down the back of my head. It was my blood. I knelt and touched my head. It was cold and dark. The only light was from the passageway I had just come in through. "Aghh!". She had tried to break open the butt of her gun with my head.

This is Love. When someone drags you from the wreckage when you have given in, ready to just lie there and die. I turned back and looked through my barely open eyes. "I told you not to come here. It's my job to clear up this mess and you're a part of it. Throw away your guns." Mona was standing behind me, pointing her gun at me. Waiting to make the binary choice. Talking. Looking beautiful. I dropped my guns.

This is love. Amidst the fading light I noticed that a security camera was watching us. When someone, no matter what the cost, shows you there is hope, a choice, that you can put down your gun. I felt her arm twitch. I felt her eyes move. She was about to shoot me. End it.

"See? I can't do it. You're a bastard, Max." She dropped her gun. She came over and stood by me. The pain in my head had now made a statement. It was making itself felt. I thought to myself, This is love. Love hurts.

I heard a loud bang. Blam! It was a pistol shot. "Ah!". It was a familiar voice. The voice that had guided me here. The voice I had learned to love. The voice of Mona Sax. I saw her chiseled frame drooping. She instantly fell down. I broke her fall. I looked to the doorway. I saw Vlad. Vladimir Lem. There was a look of disappointment in his face. His voice was heavy, "I was so looking forward to you two killing each other. You can't have everything." The blood from her bullet wound had spread around me on the floor. I was sitting in the middle of that puddle, holding her throbbing act in my lap. Holding her tight. This is Love. I had been here before, ground zero.

Vlad heaved a sigh and said, "Max, you are making me look incompetent by refusing to die." Right then a wheelchair appeared from the darkness. It was Woden. "Stop! I am sorry. Enough!", he said. A bomb went off in my head, the bullet lodged in my brain moved a fatal microscopic distance. I clenched my fists, no one knew what was about to happen. Only one thing was sure. As sure as the sunset. Vlad will have to pay for this.

Max Payne : Essentials

Introduction

I wanted to write something about Gaming, but dramatic. I remember from my old gaming days, two games specifically had hit me in my nuts. I absolutely went agape on the story and the presentation. These were Max Payne and Max Payne 2 : The Fall of Max Payne. Specially the second game left me craving for more. The story was beautifully presented and the noir style of presentation was unique and gripping. I played the games over and over again. It was like watching a movie. I even managed to get it included in a Literature course in my curriculum thanks to Dr. Suchitra Mathur (who was generous enough to understand and soak in the detective fiction aspect of it). The part of the game that I absolutely cherished was the dramatics. Everything in the game had a meaning and was touching in its entirety.

Now when I was over and done researching the game again and again for its social puns, humanitarian aspects, the trust factor and the twisted world that it created, I moved on with my life. Many other games came and went, none having an impact as deep as Max Payne did. The characters were true and justified. Driven by reason and emotion. I was thinking of the most dramatic moment in gaming history and all I could think of was Max Payne comes close to being shot in the back by Mona Sax. I then came to the conclusion that the game had been missing a lot of details. By details I imply the stories people need to know to bring out everything that the game wanted us to feel and even more. Hence I decided to commence this chain of Short Stories (my own) from the scenes in Max Payne. I chose to name the collection as Max Payne : Essentials. I hope you guys enjoy them and that they leaves a mark on your mind, standing true to its original inspiration - Max Payne. This construct is dedicated to none other than the love of my life ... Chara.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Things I Could Have Written About

I have always been full of ideas for this blog. Funny ones, Smart ones, Silly ones, etc. Lately I have been getting a lot of bright ideas but I am unable to find the material within my mind to populate the thoughts. I cant write unless and until I have already cross-checked the entire idea inside my head at least twice. Now as we all have to move on, I decided too. No issues if I cant populate the skeletal ideas into fleshy topics, what I decided to do was populating this idea with bullshit. I could have written about a lot of things if I had seen The Light. Here are a few wanna-be subjects.

I could have written about how to have a nice day, about how to fuck it up, about hippies, about traffic, about rains, about bi-sexuality, about lift system in my ex-office, about music, about my brand new phone (read. cool), about SMS forwards, about people who send SMS forwards, about abbreviated bullshit, about the movies I just saw, about troubles in social congregation, about a certain kind of buiscuit, about my new job role, about 'I am a BuM', about video games and their role in a developing society, about the way black folks dress, about advantages of low-waist jeans, about the union of man and water, about caring, about dogs, about affection, about politicians, about the railways, about rail-road accidents, about how I felt when Savage Garden broke up, about matchboxes in North India, about shitty keyboards and what they do to us, about buying a new PC, about ordering food vs. cooking it, about hazards of drunken driving, etc. phew!

These ideas populated my mind in the past 3 weeks. I tried hard to structure them into articles, but, I guess they werent 'matter' enough for me to waste my time or effort. I use the word 'matter' here loosely. What I mean is the quality was not top notch. I gotta do a few things about this blog too. Namely, hit counter, better effects, adding videos, adding stuff that doesnt matter, start a biography chapter Numero Uno. Right now all I could come up was this ...

;)