Hope you are doing fine. I am doing fine now. I have numbed my senses to the point of no return. From you I got what I had wanted for a long long time; a realistic view of things. Reality never was really my thing until you came along. I got a crash course in perception. And boy, what a crash it was. I have bled myself to the point that I have no blood left in my body to even feel the pinch. I have beaten myself to the point where I have no choice but to believe that it was 'all' my fault. I mean, we should face the facts here, it was actually all my fault. See, I accept it now.
Also, I have never been able to accept the way things happened between us. Before writing anything further I would like to add a disclaimer here. Read ahead of this point only if you can seriously accept the fact that I am sitting here, trying to say a lot of things and I have no one who could spare time to listen. So the little I have left inside of me, I will write here and after this point I will forget that I ever felt anything even remotely similar to what I write here. Trust me, I have no confusion in my head anymore and I know what the way to go is. I know writing stuff here is not the best way to say things. But what the heck. If I had that kind of a brain inside this head, I wouldnt be sitting here crooning. This, I believe is just the left over angst and the untied strings and the unfinished conversations. To say the least, I'd like to say that I have absolutely NO regrets. It was lovely being with you for the time we were together. You are a lovely woman, and I wish you all the best in your life.
First things first. I should tell you, that I have indeed loved you, for whatever or howsoever much time. But I have. I know a few days from now I would be able to love again. But just that my life has be an extra-fucked-up-timing-vaganza. You cared, I didnt. I cared, you didnt. We both cared, no time. I know, all this is no ones fault, but still I will take it on me. After all, I am your friendly neighbourhood fall-guy. Dont feel like you've made a mistake, you've made somebody's heart break. I am stronger than you think and now I have to let you go. I understand the circumstances, I understand the unfolding of events. I have made you cry, and I dont deserve you. In fact you deserve better.
I knew this was coming, I knew this could not go on forever like this. I knew we have serious timing issues. But its okay. Life moves on. I always end up being the bad guy. I hope you dont feel that way about me. I respect you and I expect the same. I am not a bad guy, I'm just someone who has had bad luck in this department. I would like to promise you now, that I will be your friend till the end. I know you better than you think I do.
Thats all I have to say. Today has been the longest day of my life. Getting over you, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The next time you see me, you will see me happy. I will be me again. Yet again.
(I know have to stop doing this to myself. Time and time again. But trust me, this is not my ego talking. This is not a baggage I needed to shed. Deep inside me I feel everything, no matter how much I claim I dont.)
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