The Disappearance

Nothing has changed. The once green grass is dead. The soft ground is barren. The mist has swallowed the scenic lake. Nothing has changed.

The last train to suburbia had left hours ago. The next train back to town was none of my concern. I had come here to unravel the mysteries of my life. This was not about me or my idiosyncrasies. This was about the dream I was having night after night. Something that had blurred the line between reality and this. This is it, I thought to myself. I knew I was not going back now. I needed answers to questions that weren't there. I was looking for that face which had haunted me for years. I remember coming here at wee hours to meet her. Sometimes I was welcome, other times I was not. Sometimes she beckoned me, sometimes my love for her did. Invariably the lake had always left me amused. I had always wondered what lay beyond the darkness. I remember driving on the road close to the lake late at night, driving fast in the chilly winds. Eyes barely open, I remember trying to look over the darkness into the oblivion. Hoping to catch a glimpse of uncertainty. I remember thirty years ago she had disappeared, without a word. Without a goodbye. Since then I had started having this dream of her wrapping something, a book maybe ... in plastic. I remember how I had never had the courage to sing for her, when I had no problem singing for a crowd. I remember the loss for words when I was with her. Dumb-struck and bewitched by her flawless beauty. Thirty years is indeed a long time. Still I clearly remember the last words she had spoken to me. That memory was flawless. So ... will I see you tomorrow?

Its strange how time changes things. I remember the times we had spent together. She was always aloof, on higher ground. She always spoke of a distant land where her life would be better. I being practical had never believed her. Thirty years of being without her have changed me. Changed me into a believer. Nothing has changed. The same road, the same cross, the same building. Just that no one lived here since the nuclear winter struck. The lake was contaminated. My dream had brought me this far. Just a few more steps. I clicked open the door. Somewhere at the back of my head I was waiting for the bark of her dog. Funny the tricks our mind plays. I stepped into the house. Uncertain what I would find. Dust had covered and devoured almost everything she had left behind. I reached to towards the living room wall. Would you like to have some beer? I had asked, Yeah sure. Why not.

I remembered how she had always spoken of a painting in her living room. It was the painting of a lake. With a small lake-house right at the center. She had promised she would take me there someday as it was close by. I sat down beside the place where her television used to be. The painting was in my hand. I wiped it clean. In the glare of the glass I could see my gray hair. I had spent my entire life looking for her. There was nothing left to do but to come back to the start and begin it all over again. The one and only reason I was here today. I didn't realize how quickly lost in my thoughts I had fallen asleep. I woke up almost 2 hours later and nothing had changed.

Its time. The sands of time were cruel. They had consumed everything. I decided to go to the lake house as it was one and the only thing she had promised me thirty years ago. After three hours of walking, swimming, making my way through mud, I was finally there. The small lake house looked more like an over-sized kennel. I tried opening the door, it was locked. I smashed it down. My old body had taken enough beating for the day but something from within had kept me going all this while. I was a fool. All my life I had chased this sensation, the feeling of her well-being. All my life I had pursued something farce. Something that was never mine. But love is a strange thing. I had always wanted to be with her, nothing had changed. I had to find her ... I was willing to look everywhere, even in hell. This is hell. I thought to myself. Anyplace without her is hell. Without her love my live was nothing but this carnival of rust.

I looked in that lake-house. I looked hard. After 30 minutes of searching, I had found what I was looking for. A book. Wrapped in plastic. I hurriedly opened the wrapping. The inside of the book was now termite infested. I quickly turned to the first page.

"Max. If you are reading this, you have finally understood me. Maybe you did deserve me after all. I will not give any reasons for my disappearance, and you will never know where I am. All you need to know is that I will be safe. I will take care of myself like you have always wanted me to. I know you love me. Believe me, you are not the reason I am leaving. I just need a break. Take care."